Summer Reading, Part 4: Etan Thomas’s Take on the Ultimate Challenge
Etan Thomas and family
Editor’s note: You can check out our previous summer book recommendations, nos. If there is one book I’d recommend for every father to read this summer, it would be this one. I don’t think men go into fatherhood looking at it that way—as a challenge. I identified so strongly with this book. Having grown up mostly with a single mother, he shares stories from childhood, but also talks about how becoming a dad himself has made him grow as a person and as a man. The book also includes essays, poems and insights from some 50 other notable celebrities including Kareem Abdul Jabar, Tony Hawke, Isaiah Washington—guys from all walks of life. Throughout, the author and the contributors present fatherhood as a great gift, an honor, a delight, and one of the most important things we’ll ever do as men. My first motivation in wanting to do the book is basically encompassed in the chapter “Sky’s the Limit.” I talk with young people all the time. That’s a passion of mine. And in talking with them, so much of the time their feedback is all about negative statistics they’ve heard and how they’re probably not gonna make it in life if they come from a single parent household. I wanted them to hear it straight from other men, guys who they might have already heard of and look up to. If you’re not spending time with your kids, not only are your kids missing out, but you’re missing out. It’s interesting, when reading some of the more painful stories, like Isaiah Washington’s story, I want to tell him is that his story—as painful as it was in his life— will be such a blessing to the kids in this country. But hearing somebody who they’ve seen, whether it’s on the field or on the court or on the movie screen or rappers actually talking about feeling that pain and how they had to get past it and different things they did to get past it, it’s inspirational. When reading your book, Fatherhood, I felt a strong connection with you as an author. Those moments when your kid wants your attention and you just brush them off. What you are saying to dads everywhere is: YOU. CAN’T. No question! No matter what job you’re in, you’re doing something and you’re busy and you’re trying to get this assignment done or you’re trying to get a report done, or whatever, and it’s like if you miss out on that precious moment, once you miss it, that moment is gone. Absolutely. Well my parents were divorced when I was young. So I saw my father, you know “visitation,” once or twice a month and that kind of thing. I can relate to a lot of the young men that I talk with who have that anger from not having enough time with their father. I can relate to going to a basketball game, a big tournament or something like that, and everybody else has their father there, and my father isn’t there. Who were your biggest influences in affecting how you parent now? Well, I definitely was very blessed to have my grandfather. And I had my Syracuse University coach, and my pastor. When you’re young, and you’re playing and you’re going to different cities, and you’re kicking it, it’s all fun. But when you get older, and your kids can express that they miss you and they don’t want you to leave, that is like the worst. I think of my son — he was like, “Wait, you gotta leave again? You just got here!” I’d be like Malcolm, we’ve got a game. Now with technology, yeah you can do the Skype thing and stuff like that, but kids are different talking on the phone or on Skype than they are in person. It’s not the same. Being a dad on the road, a lot of the time you’re like “Man, I’m sitting here in the middle of wherever, and my kids are doing all this stuff — and especially if you miss something, like if you miss a first step or the first thing they say, and you’re on the road, that’s a tough thing. Again, my naiveté— it’s something I’ve never thought of before. Just because you’re a famous basketball player—it doesn’t mean you’re any less human or that it’s hard for you to be away from your kids. What kind of feedback have you gotten from the book? The feedback has been great and the thing is is that it touches everyone differently. And people come to these and they want to listen and bounce off ideas, and what I see when we open up the floor for discussion is that there are a lot of problems that men would really like to discuss, but they don’t, because there’s just no space for it. It’s not something that we do. Just one more question, Etan, What advice would you give to new dads? Know that you’re gonna make mistakes and be humble enough to learn from them. You can find out more about Etan Thomas and upcoming events at www.etanthomas.com.
