Staying Sane During a Separation, a Move, Starting a New Job — Oh, and Being a Mom of Three
There are moments when I feel a panic attack is creeping out of my roiling belly, up my throat, and threatening to leave my body in the form of tears, gasps, and retches. It’s happened before. Suddenly I’m crying and can’t catch my breath, my hands involuntarily opening and closing into fists. Mostly though, in the past few months I’ve felt numb, so great is my focus on the task at hand. Separating from my husband and moving from our home of three years into a home of my own. This will be the first house that has been just mine in 10 years. It’s not an easy task, separating and divorcing with children. Add starting a full-time job into the mix and you’re looking at a recipe for a full-blown panic attack. But, for the most part, I’ve stayed focused on my kids, which is a really excellent way to remind yourself to keep it together. So. Don’t overwhelm yourself with a bunch of unnecessary nonsense. You have to walk through the fire but you’ll come out the other side a stronger, wiser person. And if you can manage to do it with dignity and grace, you — and your children — will be all the better for it. Something that has made all the difference to me (especially during this move) was having a babysitter, a woman in my neighborhood who doesn’t mind last-minute calls to drop off the kids when I’m in a pinch. However, the more I venture into those waters, the better I feel, especially as a single mom. Utilize local resources to keep your kids entertained. Check with your YMCA, Google around, and find out what kid-friendly activities you can take advantage of to get you out in the community and feeling productive. Even if you’re not in the mood to see people, you’ll feel better once you get out of the house. If You Haven’t Used It in a Month, Toss It
I’ve recently become interested in minimalism. First, let me assure you, I am far from a minimalist. Before I moved I went over and over my stuff and took many bags to Goodwill. It also helped me be generous when it came to dividing our belongings with my husband. Instead of arguing over material possessions, we both ended up urging the other to take more things at a time when many people end up spiraling into huge arguments over TVs and the like. The less stuff you have to move/deal with/take care of, the better for you. Set Up Shop Immediately
I’ve moved a lot, and if there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that you need to get your key rooms settled immediately. Some people randomly pile boxes into their new place and spend the next month living chaotically, digging through a box to find this thing or that thing. It’s important to set up your main living spaces — like your kitchen and bedroom — on the day you move in; it’s no harder than just piling boxes into one room to get the job done. Label your boxes, and make sure they’re brought to the appropriate rooms right away. Immediately make your bed and put away your clothes. That way you have instantly created a feeling of comfort for yourself. You aren’t going to be eating take-out with your hands while sitting on a crate because you can’t find the silverware. You can sleep in your own bed and wake up and have breakfast in your kitchen right out of the gate. This is important for your mindset. You can slowly organize the rest of your place as time goes on, but setting up the primary living areas immediately will get you off to the right start. Establish a Routine
This one goes hand in hand with making sure you have a network. If you’re moving to a completely new area, the first thing you need to do is find yourself a good daycare/babysitter/camp/child entertainment type place. The child custody schedule my husband and I worked out is about as complicated as launching a missile, but it’s awesome because neither of us ever goes more than 24 hours without seeing our kids. Wednesday/Thursday: I have off so kids are with me until Friday at 2pm, when I go back to work. It may seem complicated, but it’s a routine that works really well for us, as everyone gets to see everyone on a daily basis. If Henry decides he wants to sleep at Dad’s on a night he’s usually with Mom, that’s fine! Don’t spend the next year of your life dwelling on who is the bigger jerk. It’s over. Now is the time to focus on what’s best for the kids. Ten years down the road you won’t care who got the flat-screen TV in the divorce; you’ll only care that you managed to slip into single parenthood in a graceful, responsible way. When you start to feel angry at your spouse, remind yourself that it takes two to fight, and if you don’t engage, if you let go of everything, there is nothing to fight about. It’s then that you’ll feel not only sane, but free and, eventually, happy again. Image courtesy of Monica Bielanko
