The Choice to Forgive My Infertile Body Is an Everyday Struggle
It’s so hard to believe that I’ve been at this for two and a half years, that I’ve been trying to have a successful pregnancy since April 2012. Truth be told, I’m bored and tired. I like to keep things interesting. I like progress, for crying out loud. After my water broke at 17-weeks pregnant and I lost our twins, no one was able to give me a reason why. Not knowing has been worse than knowing, or at least what I imagine it would be like to know what happened. To know why. When everything else in your life is right, when you’re SO ready to become a mother, yet your body won’t do the one thing you want it to, it tears you apart. Between the fertility-meds weight gain and the little bit of pregnancy weight I gained during those 17 weeks, my body has changed. I fell into a depression. But it didn’t go away. I stopped going to the gym. I was so mad at my body for losing my babies, and for bleeding every month after month after month after month while we continued to try again for a successful pregnancy. Why can’t it do the one thing I want it to? I started strong and confident. Certain. Hopeful. But this journey is not what I ever expected it to be. It has beaten me down and turned into a journey in forgiving my infertile body. Every day, I forgive.
Every day, I have to make a choice to hate the skin I’m in, or to forgive it. To acknowledge that it is — and that I am — trying the best we can. And I choose forgiveness. Every day, I forgive. More on Babble:Top 20 Baby Names of 2013 — Official List
